Today started off with a little redhead in bed with me, reaching for my ears, lying quietly next to me as I tried to sleep. He always holds onto my ears or touches the mole on my arm and then puts his arms around me tightly. He needs touch like we all need water. He is intensely physical. The second I put the baby down, he rushes up to me. “Up, Mommy, up!” And I sigh because I’m tired, I’m touched out, and his arms wrapped around me bring me back to the knowledge that his cup needs refilling. Pour, Mommy, pour. And so I do, and eventually, he sleeps.
I’ve started using Pinterest again. I haven’t done much with it for maybe a year or so. I got annoyed with it as I get annoyed with all social media. I stopped following everyone and opted out of those stupid notification emails, but now, with the new place and the infinite possibilities, I find myself turning to Pinterest (and a few select pinners that I think are fucking awesome) once again for inspiration.
I think we’ve decided to get rid of a million things. Something happened today, and I can’t remember what it was, but all of a sudden I started googling “minimalism with kids” and next thing you know I was reading this blog and the achy cobweb-covered wheels in my brain started turning. I don’t want to be a minimalist. I want to live in a space that feels good to me. We’ve been living in 900 square feet for years and the new place is 1200 square feet. I want to keep what fits into the new place and get rid of the rest. I’m tired of stuff. Of stepping on it, taking care of it, and worrying about it.
I like having stuff that reminds me of how potentially wonderful I and/or my life can be. I have a bike, a shelf full of unread books, a few film cameras, some snazzy clothes. But I’m not a bike rider at this point in my life, nor do I have the time or inclination to read all those books, nor am I going to be shooting film anytime soon because it’s too damn expensive. Looking at these things reminds me of all the things I’m not doing with my life because I’m so busy doing other things like being a mom/wife/person and trying to survive. I’m tired of trying to measure up to my own arbitrary standards. What I’m doing is enough. Who I am is enough.
So that’s today’s pep talk. And we have a plan to downsize but it will take awhile, possibly months. I’m hoping under all that unnecessary stuff we have, I’ll find myself again. I have risen sort of heroically (in my own way) to the occasion of grief and welcoming new life and moving and recovering from a horrid dental infection and tooth extraction and bone graft and making plans for my dad’s memorial and then making plans to drive 25 hours to said memorial. Many things are happening, and I don’t have the time or space to really process much. I want our new apartment to be as wide open as my heart needs to be in order to break fully so I can put it back together again.
That was a long sentence. Here’s what I meant to say: I need a safe space to fall apart a little bit.