o captain, my captain!

I’m sitting in bed eating chips and salsa.  I’m barely hanging onto wakefulness but I want to write. Mainly I want to note this moment of stillness in a life that right now is overwhelmed by motion and doing.  Doing: life-affirming things are happening.  My daughter is growing, she is five weeks old now and doing that whole smiling-on-purpose thing that I find so endearing.


We are moving to an apartment out in the country with amazing natural light and wood floors and space to play outside.  We are making life plans; we are making an effort; we are exhausted, have been exhausted for years, but we are pushing through.  At night we go to sleep together and when I wake up next there is usually one more or one less person in bed.  There are stains on the walls, on the carpet.  It is certain that we will not get our deposit back; it is almost certain that the messes left behind will generate a bigger bill than our deposit.  I have to accept that this is what life is like with very small people and three cats and two adults who are too tired to clean properly.

I’ve been thinking about my post-baby body; having borne three children things aren’t the same as they used to be.  I’ve lost all the weight, have always done that fairly easily, but my stomach still sags and the skin is loose and I’m not sure what will happen there, and I think I’m okay with things as they are.  I got my bellybutton pierced when I was 19 or so, and the scar is now all stretched out, a white star above my black hole of a bellybutton.  My C-section scar is a neat pink line and I have very few pink squiggly stretch marks on my belly.  My left leg is plagued with varicose veins and my right leg has none.

I started using the Kindle app on my phone.  Roy downloaded Leaves of Grass and Jane Eyre for me.  Can you believe I’ve never read Jane Eyre?  I almost have a Master’s degree in English (which is the same thing as not having a Master’s degree in English) and I’ve never read Jane Eyre.  We saw this book in the bookstore yesterday:


I want this book badly and might have to spring for it.  Here’s a (bad) phone photo of one of the portraits inside:


(In case you can’t tell, that’s an elephant’s eye.)

I’m writing letters to people this year as an exercise in writing deeply and feeling deeply.  You’ll have to let me know if you want me to write you a letter.  I’ll send it to you in the mail and everything.  Some of you don’t have a choice.  You’re getting a letter.

Roy and I have been wanting to watch Dead Poet’s Society.  We were supposed to watch it last night but someone fell asleep at stupid o’clock (before 9 PM).  There went that.

Good night.


4 thoughts on “o captain, my captain!

  1. You certainly do have a lot going on! I’m happy to see you taking a few moments to write down some thoughts and share them. And of course I’m happy to see Blueberry Girl!

    I look forward to seeing photos of your new place in the country. I hope you and your little people and your camera get to play outside there soon!

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