23

Today:

I hardly slept last night.  No matter what position I was in, I could not breathe well and it was just a complete joy.  I’ve been sleeping in the living room on the futon because it’s cooler out there and thus easier to breathe but last night I ended up back in the master bedroom, taking up the entire bed with my gigantic self, and Roy slept on the floor.  I also opened the window to help with the air circulation, and even though it was cold as balls, my long-suffering husband just accepted it and went to sleep, snoring his head off.  I want to say something flip like, “Yeah, he doesn’t complain because he knows better,” but we don’t have that kind of relationship.  He’s just that good of a guy.  He knows what I need and he is happy to give it.

Sometime in the night Charlie came into our room and during one of my many trips to the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of him and Roy sleeping side by side on the floor, and wow, that just made me so happy.  Our boys, they love him so much.  I realize I gush about this a lot but that’s because it’s totally gush-worthy.

I spent a lot of time in bed today because I felt crampy and uncomfortable all day.  The cramps were new; the discomfort is not.  (You already know that because I’ve complained about it enough.)  I started reading The Little Prince, which I read years ago.  I finished the Anne Lamott book I had been reading, which is called Plan B and is excellent.  I love her.  I’ve been reading a lot of books about faith and spirituality lately, probably because I need a lot of both in my life with all that lies ahead.  I still have no idea how to define or even really talk about my own feelings about faith.  I think that’s okay.  It’s a thing that’s unfolding.  You can’t rush it.

When I felt up to it, I did some dishes and ate some leftovers and put away some laundry.  I had high hopes for decorating for Christmas today and doing a few home improvement things, but laundry and dishes count as home improvement, right?  I talked to one of my favorite people on Skype for close to an hour and also texted with a friend, who said incredibly nice things to me that made me question her sanity.  It’s hard to accept compliments sometimes, especially when they completely dumbfound me.  I see myself as this bumbling idiot who manages to say something insightful every now and then.  I especially see myself this way right now because I’m wearing this pinkish-grey tank top with hot chocolate stains on it.  It’s weird when others see me differently.

I’m humbled, really, by the people in my life.  It’s probably necessary that I learn to shut down those voices in my head.  I should probably learn to have more self-confidence or something.  I mean, it’s a seriously unattractive quality.  Much more unattractive than the hot chocolate stains on my shirt.  When I’m talking badly about myself, Roy always says, “Hey, that’s my wife you’re talking about.”  Point taken, husband.  Point taken.

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