15

I’m having kind of a hard time today.  I’m completely stressed over the fact that it’s Simon’s birthday tomorrow.  All the normal emotional stuff aside, I am completely overwhelmed with Things To Do, Things that would probably be fairly doable for a normal person.  But I’m not normal right now; I am very, very pregnant and I haven’t slept much at all in the last 48 hours.  I’m having breathing issues again, making sleep pretty impossible.

So, the Things.  I need to make his birthday cake, pick up balloons and other decorations, finish his birthday video, write him a little something, make him a card, and assemble and wrap his gifts, all this while not breathing well, operating on little sleep, and having to work tonight.  So yeah, the stress.  I went into the fridge to get some strawberries a little while ago and saw mold on them and started crying.  I’m in that kind of place today.

I struggle a lot with guilt, and this pregnancy in particular has been heavy on the guilt-inducing feelings.  In general, I’ve just sucked at pretty much everything because the inside baby refuses to take no for an answer.  This is one demanding child.  I’ve done pretty good at taking care of her, obviously.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Simon’s Netflix instant viewing activity is out of control.  Cue the guilt.

Meanwhile, Roy handles all the nighttime issues and early morning wake ups.  Cue the guilt.

Meanwhile, I can’t work a shift longer than 5 hours anymore.  Cue the guilt.

Meanwhile, I will probably have to go on maternity leave soon, which will make us more poor than usual.  Cue the guilt.

Are you sensing a pattern here?  Truth is, I’ve got to learn to be nicer to myself.  If it were anyone else but me, I’d cut them some slack, and quick.  Guilt is toxic.  A little bit is healthy, I think, but I tend to think the sun rises and sets on all the things I’m doing wrong.

Not healthy.

I even feel guilty about writing here.  I just type out whatever I’m feeling or thinking and don’t really do drafts or anything like that, which makes me feel incredibly guilty.

Then I tell myself I must not be a real writer if I’m not putting my best work out there.

***

I wrote that earlier today.

I’m feeling better now.  There are balloons and decorations and presents for tomorrow.  The house is a mess and we don’t have anything “special” planned for tomorrow and I haven’t finished his video or written him anything, but I know the balloons alone will make Simon’s day.  He’s turning 2 and the wonderful thing about being 2 is that it’s the little things that are the most magical.

I’m still having trouble breathing and I’ve pretty much decided to bite the bullet very soon and go on maternity leave.  Financially, we will suffer, but my body has been pretty vocal about what it needs.  I think my mind needs to go on leave, too.  Work is a nice escape but it’s become more of a stressor in the last few weeks.

We’re in the home stretch.  My baby turns 2 tomorrow.  It’s all going to be okay.

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2 thoughts on “15

  1. Oh mommy, I wish I had a million dollars. I know you already know, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Put your feet up and rest. You’re so right that your baby will be thrilled with his balloons and it will feel like the most special day in the world. You’re doing great. I dropped a jug of milk in the driveway when I was pregnant and it popped open and spilled everywhere and I just stood there in full view of the world and BAWLED. It’s going to feel so good to be on the other side of this, to have your little girl and be all healed and back on your feet. Until then, you have permission to fall apart, sleep whenever you can and to not run around baking cakes. I love you! You’re doing great!

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