A few different things:
It’s the word that is gently gliding around my head these days.
I want to live my life with intention. I want the things I do to be infused with meaning, and I want to recognize that meaning. I don’t want to be on auto-pilot. I’ve spent the last year, probably more, but for sure the last year, on auto-pilot, in survival mode, and I want to live, not merely survive. I want to live and I want to nourish myself and the world around me.
Today is the anniversary of Simon’s due date. His birth changed me and his presence in my life, in our family, has strengthened me. In 12 days, he will turn two years old. We ordered his birthday presents tonight. I’m hard at work going through photos from the past year so I can get his birthday video together in time.
Next month we will have a new baby. Next month I will become a mother of three. Next month we will hold our daughter (!!!) in our arms. Next month I will be changed, stripped, transformed.
I am both excited and terrified. What a gift. What a responsibility.
Love turns me inside out and I realize I am not in control. I already love her more than life itself.
Big things are happening, and yet it’s the small things that I hold onto: hot chocolate on a fall evening, the sound of Charlie’s laugh, books of poetry, the sight of Blueberry Girl making my belly twitch and become lopsided, light falling through the trees, Simon’s twinkling eyes, the cinnamon broom we bought from Trader Joe’s, Roy’s hand on my belly at night.